Way back when I was a High School Senior, we had an assignment in English that pertained to a book I’ve long since forgotten I read. The assignment was a simple one; come up with Three things that make you angry or upset. Now keep in mind, I was 17 years old and a part of the “Linkin Park” Generation of kids who would rather do anything else with their lives, so being angry at JUST 3 things would be like choosing a favorite glass of water or favorite breath of air–It was physically and mentally impossible to stop at just 3. Long story short, I came up with a list of 65, yes 65, people/places/things/emotions/states of being that at the enlightened age of 17, I wanted to “Kill with Fire” like most people at that age often wish they did.
This is Part one of a series of posts where we get to dive into the psyche of a kid who still had no idea what the world was about despite the fact that he was about to dive head-first into it just a few months later after graduating. The purpose of the list AND these entries are numerous; First, in a roundabout way, these entries are dedicated to the memory of one of the Greatest minds of all time–George Carlin. Throughout most of his stand-up career, he too would put together arbitrary lists of things that would piss him off, thus setting the standard for other, lesser people to do the same thing. So consider the following a blend between “Homage” and “Venting”. Second, the internet seems to LOVE listing things (There wouldn’t be an AV Club or a greatly improved Cracked without them), but not half as much as the internet seems to enjoy anger–not even on purpose, it just feels like it’s the nature of the beast these days to be Angry about something and then vent said frustrations online. Third, this is really more of an exercise in Hindsight.
Keep very much in mind that the following list was first written in January 2002; a lot of things have changed since then, and the list may have been written in the heat of some Other major event that happened several months earlier–clearly, I was talking with my head up my ass at the time I wrote this, so PLEASE bear with me as I point out what’s changed in 15 years. In fact, don’t be surprised if you see a lot of the entries
slashed out for one reason or another as we go further in this series.
With all of that in mind, let’s not waste anymore time. The Following are things that piss me off In no particular order (Again, as of January 2002):
People who miss the point of things
The “Lifetime” Network
“The Disney Channel”
TV News Teasers
People who give people dirty looks for no reason
Teen Movies (Except for American Pie 1 & 2)
Ford Cars & Trucks
“Wacky Neighbors” on TV shows
Not getting my way
People with attitudes
Fried Fish Sandwiches
Food that comes from “The best part” of the animal
Disney Movies (New ones, Not the older ones)
Euphemisms for Sex
The Last episode of “Seinfeld”
Tom Green Movies
People who think they’re “Homies”
People who use the word “Guesstimate” (With apologies to Seth MacFarlane)
TV Movies starring “90210” cast members
Those medicine commercials with all those side effects
“Fine Print” in Car Commercials
Woody Allen Movies
People who say TV/Movie catchphrases from the 70s & 80s in Normal conversation
Showstopping Musical Numbers
Getting hassled by “The Man”
Long Award Shows
“King of the Hill”
Weathermen/Weathergirls (Not to be confused with fully licensed meteorologists)
People who Ask the Same Question Over and Over
NBC “Must See TV” Monday through Friday
People who Worship Satan
The term “Can of Wupass”
“The Facts of Life”
As you can see, this is gonna take a while to get through–to say nothing of the list of New things to have been angry about in the 15-ish years since this list. But if you put your Pitchforks and Torches away and bear with me, we will ALL get through this a lot happier and with Fewer Therapy Bills to pay.
NEXT TIME: The Items I’m more than Happy to Cut from the List.