The Little Things: Things to Cut

Previously on “The Little Things”…

 

With all of that in mind, let’s not waste anymore time. The Following are things that piss me off In no particular order (Again, as of January 2002):

 

People who miss the point of things
Republicans
The “Lifetime” Network
Boring People
“The Disney Channel”
TV News Teasers
People who give people dirty looks for no reason
Teen Movies (Except for American Pie 1 & 2)
Ford Cars & Trucks
“Wacky Neighbors” on TV shows
Not getting my way
“Full House”
Physical Violence
Boy Bands
Chinese Food
People with attitudes
Barry Manalow
Fried Fish Sandwiches
Food that comes from “The best part” of the animal
Disney Movies (New ones, Not the older ones)
Infomercials
Euphemisms for Sex
David Arquette
The Last episode of “Seinfeld”
MTV
Stealing
Carson Daly
Tom Green Movies
People who think they’re “Homies”
People who use the word “Guesstimate” (With apologies to Seth MacFarlane)
TV Movies
TV Movies starring “90210” cast members
Those medicine commercials with all those side effects
Fine Print
“Fine Print” in Car Commercials
People Yelling
Woody Allen
Woody Allen Movies
People who say TV/Movie catchphrases from the 70s & 80s in Normal conversation
Showstopping Musical Numbers
Telemarketers
Elmo
Monotone Voices
Getting hassled by “The Man”
Russell Crowe
Long Award Shows
“King of the Hill”
Weathermen/Weathergirls (Not to be confused with fully licensed meteorologists)
Political Scandals
Ross Perot
People who Ask the Same Question Over and Over
NBC “Must See TV” Monday through Friday
Chris Kattan
Rob Schneider
Getting shot
Jay Leno
People who Worship Satan
Anorexia/Bulimia
Racists
PSAs
Meaningless Holidays
Bad Acting
Bad Movies
The term “Can of Wupass”
“The Facts of Life”

 

So with that in mind, let’s do a little Spring Cleaning by getting rid of the things on this list that I either have no beef with anymore, or things that should probably have never been on there in the first place. Starting with…

 

TEEN MOVIES (Except for American Pie 1 & 2): I should probably re-remind some of you that I was in my teens when I wrote this list; and as a teenager, i had absolutely NO CLUE what the difference was between Good and Bad in terms of certain aspects of Pop culture. At the same time, a person’s hormones reach Critical Mass by that point in life as well. That being said, I realized even back then how predictable “Teen” movies were–especially the “Romantic” ones. “Boy and Girl meet, Boy and Girl hook up, Boy almost loses Girl thanks to a ‘comic misunderstanding’ at the end of the 2nd act, Boy spends 3rd act trying to get Girl back via ‘Grand Romantic Gesture’, Happily Ever after.” Throw in a sidekick that says “Dude!” a lot, get Amy Heckerling to Direct, and You’ve got yourself a hit. So the question you’re probably wondering right now is “If You hate Teen Movies so Much, Why do the “American Pie” movies get a Free Pass?” Two Reasons: Eugene Levy is a Comedy God, and Shannon Elizabeth’s “Rack of Infinite Wisdom” (Patent Pending) was one of MANY things that helped me get through High School without becoming a headline in my local paper. Unfortunately, once I became a 20-something, I quickly realized that the “Pie” movies were honestly just like any other Teen Movie known to mankind–except the ones from the 80s, Those movies were made to perfection. So I’m NOT going to remove “Teen Movies” from the list, but I am going to make a slight adjustment. “American Pie” can sit with all the other ones, “Fast Times at Ridgemont High” and 99% of John Hughes’ movies are now the exception to the rule.

 

“WACKY NEIGHBORS” ON TV SHOWS: Maybe it was on the list because of a pre-genetic inclination to hate Ned Flanders, but quite honestly a TV show wouldn’t be the same without some sort of comic relief if it’s a Drama, or serious/strange/quirky relief if it’s a sitcom (I.e. “Wilson” on “Home Improvement”). Dennis the Menace would’ve been nothing without Mr. Wilson, The Hogans would be Boring w/o Mrs. Poole, Dick Loudon would’ve napped all day if Larry, Darryl and Darryl wasn’t a part of his 8-year dream sequence. The World NEEDS Wacky Neighbors, plain and simple.

 

NOT GETTING MY WAY: As a person in my 30s, it’s more important than ever to embrace hindsight. When you’re a kid/teen/20-something, you think you have the world on a string. Then, you hit your 30s and realize, “Hey! Maybe I Didn’t need that Flashy New Thing after all!” Being a young person “not getting your way” is as much a part of your life as Heart Attacks, Cancer, Old Age, and “Law & Order” reruns on multiple cable channels. It’s there, and there’s little anything can do about it except wait for it to get out of your system. Then, and only then, will “Appreciating the simple things” take over from there.

 

BARRY MANALOW: When your youth consists of such luminaries as Limp Bizkit, Alien Ant Farm, Sum 41, and Other Flash-in-the Pans that your younger self swears are gonna last forever, OF COURSE you’d be inclined to dis-like someone of Manalow’s caliber worse than Candace Bergen. Thankfully for “Music Appreciation” courses later in college, you find out that not only were his songs not THAT bad, and that he wrote commercial jingles for products you probably buy more often than you want to, but that he also seems to have a sense of humor over just how cheesy he can be at times. Hell, joking about winning an Emmy Vs. Stephen Colbert (Even though it’s Stephen doing the joking in this clip) is enough to say “Don’t Worry, he’s OK”……….Also, I think we’re all in agreement that “Copacabana” cannot be killed.

 

CARSON DALY: Way back during the 7th or 8th Time SNL was considered “funny” again, Jimmy Fallon used Mr. Daly as one of his many characters. The sum of which is Fallon/Daly proclaiming “I’m a Massive Tool”. Maybe he’s a little wooden here and there, but I don’t think he’s a tool anymore–at least not as big a tool as he was when he hosted the Cicada hive known as “TRL” (and apologies for using the “Mariah Breaks Down” clip, but it wasa the  Top of the list when researching these clips). Hell, Daly himself has made fun of how unbearable the show was during a memorable appearance on “Chappelle’s Show” as an older version of himself. Since then, he’s become a suitable emcee on a number of different programs, including his Two shows on NBC (One of which happens to be in the top 10 on a weekly basis). People like to think of Ryan Seacrest as the “21st Century Dick Clark” because of all the shows he’s been a part of over the years. With that logic, maybe Daly could be considered a “21st Century Bill Cullen”; Plug him into just about anything–even the Worst of ideas–and he’ll still be somewhat dependable.

 

WOODY ALLEN MOVIES: Let’s get the Elephant in the Room out of the way first. Like 99% of the Western Hemisphere, I Do Not condone pedophilia in any way/shape or form. And even though Woody is now 80 years old, that stigma is probably going to continue to follow him to his grave and beyond (And I’m sure Messers Cosby & Polanski feel the same way right about now). That being said, I don’t think his personal life should discount the kind of work he’s done over the years. “Annie Hall” is an unquestionable Masterpiece, as is “Sleeper”, “Bananas”, “Crimes & Misdemeanors”, “Hannah and Her Sisters”, “Radio Days”, “A Midsummer Night’s Sex Comedy” and “What’s Up Tiger Lily?”. Even some of his more recent ones–“Blue Jasmine”, “Midnight in Paris”, “Vicky Christina Barcelona”–are being clinically dissected in Film Schools all over the world. You can’t discount great entertainment, regardless of whoever makes it and whatever they (Allegedly) do when the cameras stop rolling. The movies are good, let’s leave it at that.

 

SHOWSTOPPING MUSICAL NUMBERS: In High School, unless you were trained in band or chorus, breaking in to spontaneous musical numbers are probably best left to Trained professionals or TV/Movie performers–In other words, you have to keep your love of them a secret, heaven forbid you get beat up/name called for doing so. I’m probably one of the few Straight people in this world who enjoys Broadway shows, and it all Started when Drew Carey did his version of “Brotherhood of Man” on his long-forgotten sitcom. I didn’t know which musical it came from, but I didn’t care. I just enjoyed the flow of the choreography and harmonies in a non-stop blitz. Later, I found out that the song came from a show (and movie) called “How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying”, and quickly I realized that whoever put the Carey version together must’ve been a fan of the Original years earlier–lots of influences to be had. Since then, I tried to get my hands on every MGM musical I could afford before realizing that paying for my Car Insurance was slightly more important…Besides, why waste all that money when the “That’s Entertainment” series condensed them All for me.

 

ELMO: Another Clarification. It’s not Elmo himself I hated, far from it, but rather the fact that he became such a pandemic-level phenomenon around this time. First, the A-Bomb of Children’s Toys, “Tickle Me Elmo” was unleashed to an unwitting public. Then Rosie O’Donnell casually pimped out the toy on her Talk Show. Then, popularity of the toy was so big that several different versions of it were released in passing years. THEN came “Elmo’s World”, THEN Came “Elmo in Grouchland”, THEN came “Elmopolis: the World’s First Planned community exclusively for short people with Red Fur”…OK, I made that last one up. But still, there was no escaping it for a time being–almost to a point where if you didn’t have anything Elmo Related, He would hunt you down like a Hawk. Not bad for a Muppet that was supposed to be–at most–a secondary TV character. You Gotta respect that.

 

RUSSELL CROWE: To be honest, the Only reason why I put him on the list in the first place was because of the Cold, Angry looks he gave Steve Martin during his 2001 Oscar Monologue. In passing years, Crowe not only deserves the accolades he got, but he has since been able to laugh at himself with greater ease–Especially whenever he “Sings” (note the quotes).

 

“KING OF THE HILL”: “If I Couldn’t Write Comedy, I’d Write for ‘King of the Hill'”, so says long time “Simpsons” Writer/Producer Mike Reiss via DVD commentary. In a sense, he’s not lying–at its worst, KITH was a pretty dull show (Save for Boomhauer’s babbling, Dale Gribble in general, and of course, This Scene). It’s place on FOX’s Sunday Night lineup was a mystery considering it’s long-standing stance on having actual Funny shows on during those hours. And yet…hindsight remains a deciding factor. Maybe the show wasn’t supposed to be outwardly funny like “The Simpsons”, or even inwardly funny like “Bob’s Burgers”, or “Let’s throw Shit against the wall and see what Happens” funny like on “Family Guy”. I’ve read a few articles proclaiming the show to be a “Realistic Cartoon”, and maybe that’s all the show needed to be in order to distinguish itself from the rest of the pack. It must’ve worked, because for 12 & 1/2 seasons, we continued to make the weekly pit stop in Arlen, TX at 8:30/7:30 Central…Either that, or we were just waiting for the X-Files to come on next.

 

NBC “MUST SEE TV” MONDAY THRU FRIDAY: Removed due to irrelevance, NBC only has a “Must See” night on Mondays these days–Sundays if there’s a Football Game on, Tuesdays if there’s a “Results” show for “The Voice”. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad the network is (reasonably) back on top again, but it’s NOTHING compared to its 80/90s heyday.

 

ROB SCHNEIDER: I know, it seems like the “In” thing to do to perennially “hate” Rob Schneider and everything he’s ever done, but when even He doesn’t want to have anything to do with Adam Sandler anymore, AND his Daughter is an increasingly successful pop star, the guy can’t be ALL bad…Which is a shame, because I can’t watch This the same way ever again.

 

PSAs: Maybe it’s just the over-the-top acting in them that I initially disliked, but PSAs (cheesy as they are) are themselves Not a Bad thing. Spend a few minutes watching This Episode of “Oddity Archive”, and you’ll see that PSAs are actually part of a greater good.

 

“THE FACTS OF LIFE”: See “PSAs”, only slightly more over the top–Also, I don’t care what the entire rest of the Universe says, Mindy Cohen was the cute one…Especially in the last 2 seasons. Also, Larry Fuckin’ Wilmore had an early role on the show, #KeepIt100!

 

 

OK, that takes care of the Weed Whacking, what does this bring the list down to?

 

People who miss the point of things
Republicans
The “Lifetime” Network
Boring People
“The Disney Channel”
TV News Teasers
People who give people dirty looks for no reason
Teen Movies (Except for American Pie 1 & 2 The Ones from the 80s)
Ford Cars & Trucks
“Full House”
Physical Violence
Boy Bands
Chinese Food
People with attitudes
Fried Fish Sandwiches
Food that comes from “The best part” of the animal
Disney Movies (New ones, Not the older ones)
Infomercials
Euphemisms for Sex
David Arquette
The Last episode of “Seinfeld”
MTV
Stealing
Tom Green Movies
People who think they’re “Homies”
People who use the word “Guesstimate” (With apologies to Seth MacFarlane)
TV Movies
TV Movies starring “90210” cast members
Those medicine commercials with all those side effects
Fine Print
“Fine Print” in Car Commercials
People Yelling
Woody Allen
People who say TV/Movie catchphrases from the 70s & 80s in Normal conversation
Telemarketers
Monotone Voices
Getting hassled by “The Man”
Long Award Shows
Weathermen/Weathergirls (Not to be confused with fully licensed meteorologists)
Political Scandals
Ross Perot
People who Ask the Same Question Over and Over
Chris Kattan
Getting shot
Jay Leno
People who Worship Satan
Anorexia/Bulimia
Racists
Meaningless Holidays
Bad Acting
Bad Movies
The term “Can of Wupass”

 

Now then, the rest of these entries are either going to be short statements, or Longform Essays (depending on the subject). Fortunately, we can get rid of the shorties in one fell swoop…

 

NEXT TIME: The “TV” categories

 

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