NOTE: In lieu of my NOT covering the 3rd debate tonight—because, quite honestly, a Kamikaze Pilot from World War II with Terminal Cancer being eaten alive by wolves WHILE flying the plane would probably enjoy their job better than doing that—I would like to present a piece of quasi-satire Inspired by (or “Lovingly paraphrased” from) the works of the late, great Chicago Radio DJ Larry Lujack. For the most part, it’s an adaptation of this speech at about 75% word for word, but with my own thoughts substituting for his. Lord knows, we could use a dose of sanity right now…
(*ENDING CHORUS OF “AMERICAN PIE” PLAYS, THEN FADES AWAY*)
Hello there, this “Usefully Useless Info” at about a few weeks before the election; and now it’s time for your webmaster’s MAJOR address to the nation. Opinions about to be expressed by the Webmaster do not necessarily reflect those of “Usefully Useless Info”, its management or any Animal, Mineral or Vegetable either living or dead…and now, speaking to you from New York, here is your Webmaster.
(*SOUND OF ONE PERSON CLAPPING*)
Thank you, thank you, you’re too kind…(*CLAPPING STOPS*)…My fellow Interneticans; the title of this Very important address to the nation is “Why you should keep believing in the United States of America, and not pay any attention to what everybody else is saying about it”. By the way, reprints of this speech will not be available—especially since you are reading this right now. Now the next time I speak to you in a non-SNL way (Election Night, or possibly The night after) is going to be the LAST time I will mention anything political on this website…or at least the last thing I say until they start fielding candidates for the 2020 election—which could be Any day now, so stay tuned for that.
Before I get to the main business at hand here, I gotta get something out of the way. You’ve all seen the commercials that the people running for President—Trump, Clinton, Gary Johnson, Jill Stein, Evan McMullin, etc.—They’re urging you to vote for them, like vultures circling overhead…just WAITING for this moment. And since the election is just a few weeks away, this would be a good time to make some sort of Endorsement (Hey, that’s the Blog Title!). They’re all thinking “Gee, wouldn’t it be Neat if a website Nobody’s EVER heard of before could endorse us!”, Because as we all know, the Internet is a bastion of people you can believe at the drop of a hat, even without a shred of credibility whatsoever. Now, this endorsement is for those of you out there who just flat out REFUSE to vote for Anybody BUT the people who are currently running for President; I mean, if you’re THAT narrow-minded…here’s my endorsement…….May I have the envelope please…
(*WEBMASTER SAVAGELY RIPS OPEN THE ENVELOPE AND TAKES OUT THE CARD INSIDE*)
WELL, this is a surprise! And this is gonna come as a bitter disappointment especially to those who are still undecided voters out there because it says here on the card, that the Webmaster’s coveted and much sought after endorsement has gone to candidate Montgomery Brewster. Now, this poses a problem for some of you voters out there; because, unfortunately, Montgomery Brewster is a Fictional Character portrayed by the late Richard Pryor in a 1985 movie called “Brewster’s Millions”. And as we all know, you can’t vote for a Dead guy (unless you’re running against John Ashcroft), and the rest of the people running for President are not worth voting for, so NOW what do you do? I’ll tell you what you SHOULD do, you should just……..Keep believing in the United States of America!! (For the following reasons)
- You don’t need to be told what to do by politicians (or at least, the politicians who are in it for themselves—I assure you, there ARE some good people out there…somewhere). Following politics too closely is a lot like smoking; you get addicted to it, but you don’t need it—In Fact, it’s not Good for you. Scientific Studies have shown that in addition to loss of hearing, Too much Politics can stunt your growth, cause irreparable brain damage, make your teeth ache, your nose bleed, and in EXTREME cases, can even make you Sterile. Now, I’ll be honest with you, I’m a big fan of Entropy in the same way another late great did—and following politics is no different; It’s Junk, but it’s good in SMALL doses. At the same time, most people like a little of everything in their lives; which brings me to reason number 2…
- You HAVE a Choice in how to live your life, but be sure it’s an educated one. Wanna vote for Johnson or Stein? Fine. Wanna take a chance with Hillary? Not stopping you. Wanna play literal and figurative Russian Roulette by voting for Trump? Be my Guest. And if you want to borrow a page from Montgomery Brewster and vote “None of the Above”, guess what? You can do That Too! Even though there are Far too many people out there that are convinced/swayed Far too easily, I’d like to still believe that somewhere deep down within us all is a malnourished voice of reason that’ll tell us to Think before we act. This is why—even though I wasn’t born during their time—I WISH Walter Cronkite, Edward R. Murrow & Douglas Edwards were still alive. THEY knew how to be Fair & Balanced before SOMEBODY decided to use those words as promotional toilet paper for the crapper that is their news network. Same goes for so-called “Liberal” media outlets, which I think are only liberal because of the environment they find themselves broadcasting from on a daily basis. If you don’t believe me, take a look at this article I found explaining why there’s such a divide between the Red & the Blue, and how it’s a matter of “Location, Location, Location.”
- No matter who Runs or who Ruins the country, we will ALWAYS be resilient. Don’t believe me? The Revolutionary War, the War of 1812, The Civil War, Two WORLD Wars, The Cold War, Vietnam, Desert Storm, 9/11, etc. We’ve bounced back from All of these, and I can honestly say the same thing whenever a really bad moment in Pop culture shows up and makes our jaws drop in the worst possible way. We are used to having the shit hit the fan, so much so that by now we have a shower, shampoo, Febreeze and a Hazmat suit standing by in case the shitstorm gets worse. At the same time, no one or two people can single-handedly destroy an entire country. Which is why It’s almost as important (Perhaps, even MORE important) than ever to focus on who’s running for Congress, the Senate and anybody running on a State/Local level. THEY’RE the ones who pass the laws, all the President Does is sign them into law—or have we forgotten our basic, fundamental Schoolhouse Rock?
- In the Grand Scheme of things, no matter how bad/shitty/apocalyptic things can be on the Law-making side of the country or in terms of disagreeable rhetoric, at least take solace in the fact that there are still many things in this country—let alone this world–that is still Good & Decent:*The panoramic view from a mountain
*A light breeze sweeping across a field
*Acerbic Stand-up comedy (like the aforementioned Carlin clip)
*Ice Cream Sundaes
*A Well-written Drama
*Superheroes & Anti-heroes fighting as much for Justice as they do for themselves
*Songs you can NEVER get out of your head & STILL enjoy them
*The skyline of Manhattan
*The Grand Canyon
*Just about anything mentioned in the Martin Sheen Doomsday Video from “Last Week Tonight”
*and Dozens upon Dozens of different varieties of Oreos…and counting.
And this is just the tip of the iceberg, there are countless OTHER things that can give us hope for humanity—Problem is, with all the negativity we’ve been exposed to in the past few months, there’s a distinct possibility that we may have all been afflicted with temporary blindness. I’m not saying we should ALL hold hands and sing Kuhmbyah (or however the Hell you spell it), I’m just saying that life is too short to let the problems of the country dominate us to the point where we become the things we hate. So, if you think you have reached a point in your life where you’ve had enough screaming talking heads trying to convince you in the difference between Right & Wrong; you should honestly drop everything that you’re doing, and go out to a Movie instead—at the very least, it’ll help you lighten the burden of reality. PLUS, if you have a significant other in your life, maybe the two of you can vent out your frustrations in other—shall we say—“Creative” ways (Bow, chica, Bow wow).
- And, there is of course ONE more reason why you should keep believing in America. Notice, I haven’t mentioned anything yet about “Moving to Canada” or any other country if certain candidates win. That’s because It’s Far too expensive and too much of a Legal Paperwork nightmare to do so—Hell, the amount of money you have to spend on the U-Hauls Alone make the trip less than worth it. I’m staying right here, and I’m going to continue to be as good a citizen of this Country as I can—if the Good Lord’s willing, and the Creeks don’t rise. Despite it having more flaws than a Discount Diamond, I Love this country; and as the old saying goes, “Lovers Never Say Goodbye”.
Yes, this has truly been one of the darkest times this country has ever experienced, win, lose or draw; and no matter who gets elected, whoever represents the losing side will still get pissed off that THEIR guy (or gal) wasn’t. But the good news is that in a few weeks (barring Supreme Court contention), it will Finally be Over. In the end, though, what else would you expect? The Rolling Stones (and by association, Trump since he used that song on the campaign trail) keep saying “You can’t always get what you want”…Maybe he/they were onto something there. The only thing I can think of to conclude this piece that can counter The Stones is something Conan O’Brien said when he was forced to quit “The Tonight Show”.
“Please Do NOT be Cynical…I Hate cynicism, it’s my least favorite quality, it doesn’t lead Anywhere. Nobody in Life Gets EXACTLY what they thought they were going to get…But if you work hard, AND you’re kind, AMAZING things will happen—I’m telling you, it’s just True.”
And to “ol’ Uncle Lar” who inspired this post…you just might be the sole exception to that, and we’d still be cool with it.
I’m the webmaster of “Usefully Useless Info”, and I approve this message.